Tim Howard: America's best goalkeeper since Sylvester Stallone in 1945
02/07/14 02:58
Day 19 in the Footcall house...
Quick confession here, I've been so long in the Footcall house, I had to double check what day we were on - I'm sure someone is going to come and let me out sooner or later! To be honest, I'm not that worried, it's been the most amazing tournament so far and I've got enough Adnams, Pringles and M&Ms to see me right through to the final :-)
Well today saw the last of the Second Round matches and there was indeed a lot riding on it, I was 0/6 for all the games to date and I just needed to pick the losers of today's encounters to make it a clean sweep; never have I wanted to finish last so badly!
First up was one of the tournament favourites, Argentina as they took on the Swiss, surely we were going to be treated to a bobby dazzler of a show from Messrs Messi, Higuain, Di Maria and co? Well to say this is was a damp squib of a show might be a slight exaggeration, but when have I ever let the facts get in the way of a good story? Switzerland knew they were the underdogs and they also knew they had to keep a lid on Lionel because Argentina just aren't the same without him on form. Both sides had chances in the first half and Drmic went one on one with Romero but was left wanting when it came to final kick. In the second half Higuain went close with a header and Messi had a speculative shot from outside the area. Soon after he threaded one through the legs of the Swiss defence like it was full of holes but the keeper was up to the task. As the game wore on, Switzerland started to defend proper deep, it was like me and my mate Darren on the badders court, nobody was gonna get past them! The full time whistle went and it was still goalless.
In Extra Time more Argentinian pressure was applied, Di Maria who had a mare of a game, tried to the most ridiculous cross where he put one leg behind the other only to slice the ball wildly out of play. What a time to showboat, they weren't four nil up, it was still nil nil. Maybe he'd seen Nick Kyrgios pull off the perfect hotdog at Wimbledon today (https://vine.co/v/MFYql2hhT56) and fancied a go himself, well it was an epic fail. Time was running out and it was looking more and more like penalties again which is surely what the Swiss were haggling for. In the 118th minute Argentina called directory services and asked if they could have a goalscorer sent down immediately. Well their prayers were answered as Messi went on one of his jinky runs through the Swiss defence to set up the hapless Di Maria to slot it into the net and make amends for all his spurned opportunities from before. Now the blue and whites were one up you'd think they'd play out time comfortably but the Swiss had a last ditch attempt to score as Dzemaili headed the perfect header down towards the Argentinian net only to see it ping back off the post, hit him on the shin and go out of play! Moments later the full time whistle blew and it was all over, Argentina were through but like others before them, they too can count themselves lucky.
The evening match was likely to be a more even match up as USA (always full of strength) faced Belgium (always full of mussels). Within 45 seconds of the kickoff this game was already better than the earlier match as Belgium went unbelievably close when Origi tested Tim Howard early doors. Little did we know that the die was being cast for some of the most heroic goalkeeping we've ever seen in the World Cup. This game was electric, full of pace from both sides, Dempsey went close in the first half but it ultimately finished nil nil.
After the break USA were unlucky as Wondolowski was in on goal but was given offside when he was clearly on by at least a yard. Both keepers were earning their half time KitKats as they kept their sheets clean and the hearts of their nations pulsating. Astonishingly it finished nil nil but this was so much better than the Argie game and it was just about to get better. Belgium brought on Romelu Lukaku who instantly made an impression and within three minutes of Extra Time he set up Kevin de Bruyne to calmly pass the ball into the bottom left corner. Time and again Tim Howard was making save after save to give the Americans a sliver of hope to get back in it. Soon after however de Bruyne repaid the favour as he set up that man Lukaku who doubled their lead with a marvellous finish. It looked all over at this point and now the US had to bring on the cavalry to at least give themselves a chance of going to pens.
Well now it was time for the American sub, Julian Green to steal some limelight as he had a Marvellous Creation of his own to leap athletically at a Bradley floater and toe poke it mid air into the Belgians net, they were right back in it. There was still 13 minutes left on the clock USA went for it big time even throwing the proverbial frites pan at the Belgium team as wave after wave they waded in to the box. The US defence were pushed so far up the field it left poor Timmy to man the barricades backstage but what a job he did, he made a record breaking 15 (yes 15) saves, he was so good in fact, I reckon he could have blocked himself on Facebook! He was like... https://vine.co/v/MFLHdrOMAOF
With almost the last attack of the game America won a free kick directly in front of goal. They deceptively yet creatively adopted a well worked training ground move as they passed the ball between the Belgians leaving them totally flummoxed, it was probably the sneakiest free kick I'd seen since Tomas Brolin for Sweden in 94. The only difference was Yedlin couldn't convert their chance and sadly for the unlucky yet plucky Yanks it finished 2-1 and they were on the next bus home up north. Yet again the favourites were through but yet again they were lucky.
And so to the Footcall league...
After the late night drama had unfolded, the Footcall board gathered as soon as the last match was over to make the first Footcall prize of 2014 - the much coveted Vuvuzela Award given to the player who finishes bottom of the league.
I was there representing the Footcallers from all around the world, dressed in my tuxedo and bow tie, unfortunately my good school shoes were at the cobblers so I just went in my slippers - but that's cool; nobody noticed. Although I was there on behalf you lot, I also had a vested interest as I was currently residing in 181st place but also sitting on a clean sweep of losing predictions as I had guessed eight losing teams out of eight; surely the Vuvuzela was mine all mine?
The Chairman took to the stage alongside the Secretary who was brandishing the gleaming Vuvu to announce the winner (or loser depending on which way you look at it). The tension was more unbearable than watching USA trying to get an equaliser and I was sweating more that Rolf Harris in a prison cell. This was it, the moment I had been dreaming of for the past eight sleeps.
The manilla envelope opened, anxious glances flicked around the room (that didn't exactly happen, there was nobody else there - only me) I was trying to control my breathing, you really could cut the atmosphere with Suarez's front teeth...
I'm standing up...
I'm adjusting my bow tie...
I'm doing up my jacket...
I'm reaching for my pre-prepared speech...
This is it... my moment of glory...
"And the winner is...
Lauren Morris!"
What?
There must be some sort of mistake?
I was the loser surely?
I had eight out of bloody eight!
At this moment the Footcall League table flashed up on the big screen behind the stage. My worst fears were confirmed, Lauren (effing) Morris was indeed the Vuvuzela Award winner. I had banked on Lauren picking Holland to go one round further but her predictions revealed she had selected Greece and not the Dutch so therefore she was to be given the prize of being the best of all the losers.
I immediately stormed out and went to the bar to drown my sorrows where the barman (to rub even more salt into the wound) asked, "Bitter?" and I replied, "You don't even know the half of it Giorgos!"
I tell you something Footcallers... ten years ago I was the ONLY player to have selected Portugal to play Greece in the Euro 2004 final. The red hot favourites of Ronaldo and his comrades were (on paper - grrrrrr!) going destroy the Greeks and see me leapfrog eleven places to come from nowhere and win the Footcall trophy. Well the effing Greeks tragically thwarted my master plan then and it strike me, they have done me again! I might have to seriously speak to the present Mrs Jenner about our forthcoming holiday to Skiathos!
I must be Footcall's unluckiest player, I can't even finish last by choice. I'm sorry, but I'm just too distraught to mention anyone at the business end of the league. If I could tip over the league table and storm out at this moment, I bloomin' well would!
David (seriously pissed off) Jenner
:-((
(very sad face)
PS. Lauren if you are reading this, the Vuvuzela is available for you to collect whenever you like. Just call 1-800 Stitch Up and we can make the necessary arrangements.