I haven't seen anyone in a yellow jersey this disgraced since Lance Armstrong!
09/07/14 02:27
Day 21 in the Footcall house...
SHIT! Just where do I start this report?
Today began like any other day, I did some in depth analysis of the Footcall league trends and the correlation with the FTSE, followed by a Q&A session with under-privileged kids who live in a hard water area (I'm campaigning for a giant Brita water filter to be installed in their town square) then I finished off with a couple of TV interviews about the semi-final between host nation Brazil against and the European fortress that is Germany.
After a lavish meal with a few fellow Footcall dignitaries (Mrs J and the cats) we settled down to watch the kickoff. Now the Quarter Finals lacked a certain zest in comparison to many of the Group Stages matches so we were hoping this would reignite the blue touch paper of this World Cup, but with a place in the final beckoning, who knows what was going to happen. The first part of any Brazilian match is the now legendary national anthem sing-a-long, you know the drill, the music plays, the music stops but everyone carries on singing, some of them even start crying. This time it was particularly heart felt as the Brazilian team held up the number 10 shirt of their fallen hero, Neymar who was convalescing in some rehab clinic. There was a strong rumour going round that he and German comedian Henning Wehn were going to do the Sky Sports FanZone!
Now I'll be totally honest, with all the palm pressing and charadee work I had done earlier, I was fairly worn out and the opening exchanges as the Germans sized up their opposition didn't help my temporary attention deficit disorder. Well I was soon snapped out of my slumber as Thomas "The Hit Man" Muller cropped up in acres of space at the back post to put the Europeans one up on the 11th minute. Suddenly my texting communicator lit up, it was Neil "I told you this was going to happen" White to say... "Germany could piss this!"
Well never a truer word written my friend as the German domination started to look menacing. Not only were the golden shirts missing their golden boy they were also without their Captain, Thiago Silva who was ruled out of this match for pointless yellow cards in previous matches. It seemed that despite all the hype and the waves of national support, maybe they were just biding their time before they had their shorts pulled down and botties spanked. The home crowd attendance in Belo Horizonte must have out weighed the Germans by 57,837 to 304 but they soon knew how to silence them... GOALS - lots of them!
It was barely past the mid point of the first half when Miroslav Klose came up smelling of Roses to tuck away Germany's second. This was an historic occasion, as this was Klose's 16th World Cup goal and he is now the outright all time goal scorer on the world stage. Not only that he achieved this over four cups which is also a record and who's to say he won't be back in 2018 to add to that tally at the ripe old age of 40. Teddy Sheringham was still knocking em in his forties so who's to say Miro won't be up for it. One interesting fact about all these goals is that the furthest out he ever was from goal was 12 yards and that was a penalty and most of them came from inside the six yard area. This Keeper has scored a longer goal than all of Klose's put together... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEHJGbG8uBU
Now the German's were two up and cruising, it seemed like whatever Brazil tried, Germany had an answer for it. The formation of the team was beginning to crumble right before our eyes and David Luiz, trying not to look too much like Krusty the Clown was beTwixt and between the defence and midfield and not looking after either. At this stage Brazil were not out of it but they were certainly rudderless and what was to about happen over the next six minutes was the stuff of the Footcall archives. One minute after Klose's goal, Germany put the hammer down and Toni Kroos cruised in to put his nation three up on 24 minutes, just two minutes later Kroos added to the embarrassment to make it four nil. My fingers could barely keep up with the texting and the Facebook posts. Before I could draw breath Khedira just appeared like Fingerbobs to make it five on the 29th minute. That was one goal for every one of those little stars above the Brazilian flag on their shirts. The goals were going in so rapidly I nearly choked on my Toffifee! Half time could not come soon enough for the South Americans and I'm sure more than one or two fans decided to enough was enough and naffed off home - I'm sure it wasn't far to walk.
Back to the studio to a stunned looking Lineker with an even more shocked Hansen and Shearer who were looking somewhat sheepish after backing Brazil before the match started. Meanwhile Rio "I've caught the sun" Ferdinand tried to stifle his smugly smug face as he had plumped for ze Germans! I'm gonna write to the BBC and ask if I can be a pundit on the next big tournament, it surely must be THE easiest job in the whole world?
The second half started and it was clear that Big Phil had given them the hairdryer treatment in the dressing room, it was reported that he even showed them a highlight reel of the Liverpool 2005 European Cup Final. Maybe Scolari had slipped something in their half time cuppa as they certainly started with more vigour, and I thought Pele was the only Brazilian who had problems with a semi! The German manager Low took Klose off which must have been a relief for Brazil until they saw it was Schurrle who came on - yet another goal machine and don't forget they still had Lukas Podolski sitting on the bench and we haven't even seen him yet. Meanwhile Scolari took Fred off but he only brought on Willian who proved to be no better than Barney. He would have been off better putting on Wilma? I'm sure Phil was wondering just what clinic Neymar was in and maybe he could get him on so he could ping one in from the frame of his wheelchair!
Whatever hopes Brazil had of coming back from the dead were totally dashed as super sub Schurrle made it half a dozen in the 69th then to add insult to injury he netted the goal of the game on the 79th minute as he powered in off the crossbar. Seven nil; nobody could believe it and it was obvious what drink would be sponsoring the German team next year. The Brazilian players and fans were utterly humiliated but just as Germany were about to declare, a slight lapse of concentration let Brazil get a consolation goal on the 90th minute from Oscar (I'm sure that will keep him in the team until the next World Cup). The Germans were furious and it reminded me of when England destroyed the Dutch in the Euro 96 only to let a goal in at the last minute.
It's fair to say we have never seen the likes of this, a footballing super nation being completely dismantled, this wasn't a team of plumbers from Andorra or San Marino, this was Brazil and even Oscar Pistorius had a better defence than the team we saw tonight AND he got more shots on target!
Despite there being loads of additional time to allow for Julio Cesar getting the ball out of his own net it finally finished...
Bra: 1 Ger: Many
Then the German celebrations could begin in earnest as they had broken their run of consecutive of semi-final failures and they now find themselves in the final again having beaten the nation that thwarted them in 2002. Now they need to close the deal and put to bed the 24 years of hurt (us English can only dream of stats like theirs) and win the final on Sunday.
Tomorrow (or should I say later today), we will know the other finalist as Holland fight it out with Argentina in the second semi. One thing that seems to be overlooked is we have the third place play off match on Saturday, how on earth will Brazil be able to pick themselves up for that?
And so to the Footcall league...
Students of the league table knew these semi-final matches were going to be pivotal to the hierarchy and lo and behold we have a new leader. Stuart Acott has raced into to the top spot as tonight's result scored him a sweet little four points. Matt Clark has nuzzled up behind him with Thomas Baus and Dan Wilks just a further point back. This is really exciting as the Footcall trophy is still wide open and this just adds to the drama on the field. Sadly Richard Goodwin and Dan Schroeck have slipped a little but who knows they might not be out of it just yet.
Suddenly Harry Hitch, Kane Vanns, Andy Brunt, Jack Wakefield and Barry Smith are all there or there-a-bouts. Quite a few others further down the table might be eyeing up the money spots with another four pointer available tonight and then the big kingsize eight pointer for picking the winner on Sunday night.
Good luck everyone.
David